Author: fifteenkey (Page 67 of 95)

Last night I dreamt of driving toward lower Manhattan when suddenly the streets were flowing like those in Venice. Suddenly, and seemingly without warning, the water was up to my shoulders and everything in the car was under it. Sitting at a basketball court drying off in the sun, I wasn’t feeling any particular loss over the car, but was seriously bummed out about my laptop and camera, which was spewing water out of every opening like in the Three Stooges short when the boys pose as plumbers at a fancy home where mayhem rightly ensues. When someone asks the black cook for a glass of water, his classic response is, “Water? Turn on anything; you’ll get it!”

Wikipedia has a decent definition of the medium and states they “were shown mostly to the baby boomer generation schoolkids of the U.S. and U.K. during the 1960s, 1970s, and the early 1980s.” Yeah, I’d be in that demographic.

I saw “A Christmas Story” today with Kyle, and the “Warren G. Harding” school depicted looked eerily like my own Greenwood Elementary back in the 60’s. My research turned up a couple filmstrip examples, and they starkly depict the difference in our culture then and now.

“Sharing With Neighbors” is a must-see classic and clearly a product of the 50’s or early 60’s; a truly innocent time for many Americans. Contrasting it is “American Civics Volume II,” a humorless spoof of the medium that saddens me even though its political leaning is not contrary to mine.

I miss the filmstrip…

In my Bloglines RSS feed reside several consumer sites including The Bargainist, AntiRebate, DealNews and my favorite, TechBargains. Occasionally some real deals pass my retinal nerve and I feel compelled to pass them on. It must be the holiday spirit or something… I also think it only good form to keep my Santa’s Little Helper a multimedia extravaganza, so I’ve included appropriate imagery and a holiday film clip for your enjoyment. On Dasher! On Nixon!

At this time of year, many of you will be faced with the “Holiday Party Guestlist Dilemna.” I think you know what I mean. Heck, I may be on your “naughty list” of people you really don’t want to invite, but feel obligated to. I’m here to help. First, send the invitation. Second, slip a strong laxative into the drink or appetizer (I cannot spell Hors de overs…). About thirty minutes later, install the “Toilet Monster.” I expect your “only invited ‘cuz I had to” guest will both not use your facilities and will have to leave your party immediately. Hey, let me know how it goes.

Another classy party tool is now available from a liquidation sale of former Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski leftover from a big birthday bash he threw for his now ex-wife with company money. I bet he wishes he still had this in the big house.

Say your buddies are out of town and won’t be coming over for the big game, beer and pork rinds. This ingenious stand-in for male bonding will keep you yucking it up until the boys are back in town.

Another quandry of some men and some women is when the girlfriend is away. No problem if you have the Girlfriend Pillow. Of course another option is silicone breast implants which are back on the market after recent FDA approval, bit I guess those would have to be considered Girlfriend Pillows…

Finally, let those weenie cut and run Democrats drive a Prius. Raw-meat eating Republicans need to make their own personal statement on their war on terror. Buy your favorite neo-con one of these and you can tool around the neighborhood crushing those wimpy green machines. As one reviewer put it, “Finally a tank you can trust.”

As promised, here’s the first ever clip from a series I’m calling “Fifteenkey’s Film Festivus.” Tonights clip is from “Bad Santa,” a Christmas classic that sits on the holiday film spectrum far, far, far on the opposite side from, “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Yes, this Santa is very bad. Enjoy!

I’m watching football in glorious HD, but this picture is far more stunning! Make sure you scroll to the right…

First of all, for all of you, I dragged myself through thousands of Jenny McCarthy photos until I found this one that really captures the spirit of the season and Santa’s Little Helper. You’re welcome. Oh, I censored it too. If you want to see the rest of it you’ll have to go find it yourself…

I know all of you have been holding your collective breath in tingly anticipation of my annual (this is the first, actually, but I may do it next year, too…) “Orgy of Consumerism Gift-Giving Guide.” Let’s start sledding downhill, shall we?

I’ve never seen the film, but I hear it’s funny. Now you can give the gift of: The 40 Year Old Virgin Figure. During this holiday season, I guess it’s also a nod of sorts to Mary and the whole virgin birth thing.

The corporate world can be pretty rough and tumble. Next time you wrestle a co-worker down a stairway railing, you can have it immortalized on film with the Tony Hawk Helmet-Cam. Hey, and don’t be afraid to wear it at home when your mother in law is coming over.

I used to think I was cool because I had a blog, but now with 345,568,421 of them, it’s pretty much “jumped the shark,” as they say in Hollywood. Still, you can instantly make someone cool like me with a Plantronics Voyager 510 Bluetooth Headset with Multipoint Technology. Yeah, you strap this bad boy on an ear and you “get the looks,” if you know what I’m saying…

Staying with the theme of cool electronic toys, I wish I could recommend the Canon Rebel XT Digital SLR, but after the terrible customer experience I recently had with Canon, I will never buy or recommend one of their products. Until Canon makes it right, buy the Nikon D40.

Now I know some of you may be on Santa’s “naughty list.” Hey, one year I actually received a lump of coal from my lovely ex-wife. Anyway… I think you know who you are. If that’s you this year and you’re stuck buying yourself a present, go all out. That’s right, say “Screw the world, I’m taking care of me this year” and pamper yourself with one of these. Happy shopping!

In holiday news, this of the “bah humbug” sort, the Bush Administration has banned iPods and other luxuries from export to North Korea. It seems Kim Jong Il likes his luxuries, even though many of his people barely eat. What’s a poor dictator to do? If life were fair, nobody in the administration would be allowed to buy this either. Many believe that in spite of the ban, Kim will get his luxuries via the black market, but as one witty poster observed, “Now they have to buy Zune’s.”

Hey, let’s lighten up a bit, eh Francis? Jeez. I mean “Sectarianism” and “Moral Relativism?” I wasn’t feeling all that world-weary after experiencing “Sing Along Mary Poppins” at the Regent Theater in Arlington on Friday. Kyle said he liked it better than the show of the same name we saw on Broadway just two weeks ago…

I didn’t go pre-dawn on Black Friday like this kick-ass chick, but a little shopping was done. I picked up this for the second TV, these to crank my iPod in the kitchen and this bad boy as a present for he who shall not be named.

Kyle and his dad also hung out with Jessica and MacKenzie today. Jessica has been writing quite a bit and she’s pretty good, so I picked her up “The Pocket Muse” and the classic “Elements of Style” by Strunk and White. I also grabbed her “The DaVinci Code.” Yeah, I figure Dan Brown needs the money…

As a public service, here’s a tip for staying warm on the first day of winter…

In 1998, President Bill Clinton was impeached by the House of Representatives on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice, all related to his involvement with Monica Lewinsky. Of course the Republican efforts to “get” Clinton began with their “Whitewater” obsession, but they were happy to nail “Slick Willy” for a blowjob. Despite the gallant efforts of the Republican controlled House, the Senate sided with the American people (opposed to impeachment by a 65–70% margin), and acquitted Mr. Clinton. In the end, the self-righteous right made the impeachment a moral issue and dragged the country through the mud of Cuban exports and procrastination about dry-cleaning for the better part of two years. Yes, Bill Clinton lied when he wagged his finger and said, “I did not have sex…,” but impeachment?

Eight years later, impeachment winds are rustling the late-November leaves on the grounds of Capitol Hill. The people said “enough!” on November 7th and now the Bush administration may have to answer a few questions about:

• Warrantless spying on American citizens
• Valerie Plame
• Lying about WMD to justify War in Iraq

I’m trying to reconcile the “immorality” of Clinton’s adultery and lying about it against Bush and his team exploiting 9/11 and then lying about WMD in Iraq to justify their war, resulting in thousands of dead, including over 3,000 fathers, mothers, sons and daughters of those they lied to.

Things might have turned out so much better if Ms. Lewinski had just worked for Bush and Cheney.

It’s “Black Friday” and the faithful and non are out in droves throwing down on the biggest shopping day before Christmas… Oops… Can I write “Christmas” without offending someone? Sorry. And if I simply refer to the phenomena as “holiday shopping,” won’t I offend the right-wing defenders like Hannity and O’Rielly who insist there’s a dark “War on Christmas” that must be vigorously fought against? Um, sorry. How about I go with “the excessive orgy of consumerism occurring between Thanksgiving Day and December 25th?” That will probably offend people who really appreciate a good orgy, but isn’t that what many have become? A group of sects scanning the landscape for those who offend us?

An NPR headline today reads, “Sectarian Violence in Baghdad Kills at Least 130.” One definition of Sectarian is “Adhering or confined to the dogmatic limits of a sect or denomination; partisan.” Hmmm… That sounds like how some wish to suppress stem-cell research or gay marriage: Dogma.

The plot of Dogma is silly, but it allows for interesting socio-religious commentary in the conversations of its characters. In one exchange, Rufus, the 13th apostle played by Chris Rock explains his frustration at what man did to the good ideas of his “brotha:”

Rufus: He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name – wars, bigotry, but especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it.
Bethany (Linda Fiorentino): Having beliefs isn’t good?
Rufus: I think it’s better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can’t generate. Life becomes stagnant.

In case you missed it, here’s much of Dogma set to Bad Religion’s American Jesus:

This post began after reading “A Free-for-All on Science and Religion” in the New York Times Online. The article discussed a recent conference, “Beyond Belief: Science, Religion, Reason and Survival,” that took up where Rufus left off in the ideas versus beliefs debate. The NY Times George Johnson wrote the gathering “rapidly escalated into an invigorating intellectual free-for-all.” It did bash the concept of religion quite thoroughly, but some in attendance were pragmatic about it. Francisco J. Ayala is a former Roman Catholic priest, and currently a evolutionary biologist at UC, Irvine. He acknowledged, “People need to find meaning and purpose in life,” he said. “I don’t think we want to take that away from them.”

I agree. Many wonderful people I know believe in God. Some of them have a personal relationship with the big guy and absolutely “know” He exists. What bothers me is when the position is intolerant of others because they are “right” and anyone not in line is “wrong.” That’s no different than “death to the infidels,” an extreme position of some Muslim sects. I do believe the world would be better off without the intolerance often born of the sectarianism of belief, but religion is not going away any time soon.

“lronically, the thing people are most hungry for; meaning, is the one thing science hasn’t been able to give them.” – Palmer Joss in the Carl Sagan novel, Contact.

Happy Orgy of Consumerism.

Kyle’s mom called tonight actually insisting she speak with the poor boy to tell him Celine Dion was going to be on “Deal Or No Deal.” Yikes! With Howie Mandel doing his best imitation of “Mr. Clean,” this waste of an hour has me really worried about my country when this crap is a hit show, and more importantly, what my son is subjected to when he’s with his mom. The only good thing I can say about it is that the Canadian diva wasn’t on…

OK, let’s get positive… I’m thinking of getting my mom “I Shouldn’t Even Be Doing This!: And Other Things That Strike Me as Funny,” an autobiography by Bob Newhart. The books first chapter opens with Mr. Newhart stating that comedians see life through a different lens. My first recollections of Mr. Newhart are from his appearances on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. I appreciated his dry wit and believe it had a lasting influence… He had two sitcoms on CBS in the late 70’s (Bob Newhart Show) and early 80’s (Newhart). I wasn’t a big TV watcher at the time, but knew enough about the first to really appreciate the ending of the second. On “The Bob Newhart Show,” he played a Chicago psychologist opposite Suzanne Pleshette as his wife, Emily. Many of their discussions took place in their bedroom which became a very familiar set to fans. In “Newhart,” a show I never saw, he played an innkeeper in Vermont. The second series ended with a brilliant and surreal nod to the first and may be the best ending to a sitcom in the history of television. I had never seen it, but ever since hearing about it over 20 years ago, I always wanted to. Now, through the magic of YouTube, I did and you can too.

I sit here at the virtual Thanksgiving table thankful about…

…hearing the sound of Kyle breathing while sleeping on the couch. About 45 minutes ago, he stumbled by from his bedroom to the couch. I gave him a pillow and wrapped him in a blanket. He said, “Happy Thanksgiving, Daddy.” A few minutes later he added, “I miss Megan.”

…Jessica’s recovery.

…being able to read and write.

…having a new boss who is one of the coolest and smartest people I’ve ever met.

…the richness of life that has nothing to do with money.

…a friend in Barb.

…artists of every medium.

…Kronos.

…finally emerging from my turtle-like shell to reach out and develop relationships.

…having enjoyed all those “Seinfeld” episodes before knowing Michael Richards is a bigot.

…good health.

…knowing someday she will come home.