First of all, for all of you, I dragged myself through thousands of Jenny McCarthy photos until I found this one that really captures the spirit of the season and Santa’s Little Helper. You’re welcome. Oh, I censored it too. If you want to see the rest of it you’ll have to go find it yourself…

I know all of you have been holding your collective breath in tingly anticipation of my annual (this is the first, actually, but I may do it next year, too…) “Orgy of Consumerism Gift-Giving Guide.” Let’s start sledding downhill, shall we?

I’ve never seen the film, but I hear it’s funny. Now you can give the gift of: The 40 Year Old Virgin Figure. During this holiday season, I guess it’s also a nod of sorts to Mary and the whole virgin birth thing.

The corporate world can be pretty rough and tumble. Next time you wrestle a co-worker down a stairway railing, you can have it immortalized on film with the Tony Hawk Helmet-Cam. Hey, and don’t be afraid to wear it at home when your mother in law is coming over.

I used to think I was cool because I had a blog, but now with 345,568,421 of them, it’s pretty much “jumped the shark,” as they say in Hollywood. Still, you can instantly make someone cool like me with a Plantronics Voyager 510 Bluetooth Headset with Multipoint Technology. Yeah, you strap this bad boy on an ear and you “get the looks,” if you know what I’m saying…

Staying with the theme of cool electronic toys, I wish I could recommend the Canon Rebel XT Digital SLR, but after the terrible customer experience I recently had with Canon, I will never buy or recommend one of their products. Until Canon makes it right, buy the Nikon D40.

Now I know some of you may be on Santa’s “naughty list.” Hey, one year I actually received a lump of coal from my lovely ex-wife. Anyway… I think you know who you are. If that’s you this year and you’re stuck buying yourself a present, go all out. That’s right, say “Screw the world, I’m taking care of me this year” and pamper yourself with one of these. Happy shopping!

In holiday news, this of the “bah humbug” sort, the Bush Administration has banned iPods and other luxuries from export to North Korea. It seems Kim Jong Il likes his luxuries, even though many of his people barely eat. What’s a poor dictator to do? If life were fair, nobody in the administration would be allowed to buy this either. Many believe that in spite of the ban, Kim will get his luxuries via the black market, but as one witty poster observed, “Now they have to buy Zune’s.”