After a wonderful dinner of Crazy Maki and Cold Gin, I thought I recognized an old high school classmate on the bathroom route. Uncertain of his identity, I opted against asking and we headed for the door and our goodbyes. Pulling out of the parking lot, I saw the guy again and stopped. Turns out it was Bruce and we caught up for a couple minutes. At one point he asked, “was that you over by the silver car?” When I responded in the affirmative, he added, “we speculated you two were having an affair.” I see… So what does an “affair” look like? My brief research didn’t turn up data on his third party perspective, but I did find on marriagebuilders.com, “50 Indicators of Infidelity. For the record, I’ve been single since 1996 and my date is definitely… Uh, well, let’s just say I’ve met enough of her friends and family to know she’s not married… Anyway, that being the case, I thought I’d run through some of this list in an effort to discover if any of my behaviors promped Bruce and his friend to see “affair” when looking at us…
50 Indicators of Infidelity
1. A sudden upturn in their demeanor or outlook on life. – Bad start. I will admit to that.
2. Constantly late. – Never!
3. More possessive toward wallet, pocket calendar or briefcase. – Nope.
4. Comes home more often with alcohol on breath. – Only on Thursday’s.
5. Starts talking about getting together with old friends they haven’t seen in years. – That’s a definite “no.”
6. Starts shopping for new clothes. – Do socks count?
7. Starts taking a renewed interest in their appearance. – Yesterday I let my Student-Stylist cut my hair, so… um, I mean… yes definitely!
8. Starts keeping an overnight bag in their car or office, ostensibly for a workout or a game of tennis. – One should always be prepared for a workout.
13. Takes a new interest in anticipated schedule. – Yes, see Thursday’s above.
16. Car is kept free of paraphernalia belonging to you or the kids. – Except for Maddy’s blocks and Kyle’s Voldemort wand, it’s a “cabin le affaire.”
17. Starts attending extended seminars or conventions. – Hmmm… 3 trips between now and early November…
18. Start using new words and phrases. – I hadn’t used “kazoo” in awhile.
23. Makes more phone calls late at night. – No. I hate the phone…
29. Smell of a different soap from the brand at home and/or you smell freshly showered at 1.00am. – Huh?
32. Loses a lot of weight and seems proud of new body. – Uhhh, well, that was before… and I’m still not content.
33. Saddest list item is: change in die-hard pro-life feelings on abortion. – Oh yeah, and I’m now also addicted to FauxNews.
35. Juvenile behavior and music interests!!! – I wouldn’t say that’s “changed.”
37. Knows all the new pop singers and has CD’s. – CD’s? When was this list compiled?
39. Uses the ATM way too much! – No comment.
49. Distances themselves from those with strong (any) moral values. – Yes, especially moralizing hypocrites.
50. Gets “coded” pager messages at all times of the day and night. – I freakin’ better not!
I don’t know. This list seems inconclusive. It must have been something else…