I’m not at all happy with the performance of the President I helped elect in 2008, but in spite of the advantages of a stagnant economy and 14 million unemployed, the current crop of frothing Republicans has no shot of beating him. Still, someone has to be the Republican lamb, so let’s go to the lowlights:
- Rick Perry (3 to 1) – Governor of Texas, just like the last Republican president, and I think we know how that turned out. Actually, the destruction of that administration is still raging, but I digress. I’m hoping Perry wins the nomination just so Democrats in every race can run against the ghost of “Dubya.” Sadly, the brains in the party like Karl Rove probably know better than to nominate a Bush clone.
- Fred Karger (Off the board) – Hey Fred, there are no gay Republicans except you… You should go see Michele Bachman’s counselor-husband to “pray away the gay” so maybe FauxNews will let you in the next debate. Oh, and Mr. Bachmann takes Medicaid.
- Ron Paul (100 to 1) – Rep. Paul is my favorite politician because he isn’t one. He’s one of the most honest men in either party and therefore cannot be nominated.
- Michele Bachmann (10 to 1) – I kinda like her. She’s a strong woman who speaks her mind. I dig chicks like that. Unfortunately I disagree with pretty much all she stands for.
- Herman Cain – (1,000,000 to 1) “Hey, we have a black candidate too!” Rich dude on a very cool ego trip.
- Jon Huntsman (20 to 1) – I loved his book, “Winners Never Cheat.” It’s about not compromising your principles, even though that’s what he seems to be doing now that he’s running for president. Oh, you worked for Obama? Mormon dude, save your money. You’re going nowhere.
- Tim Pawlenty (2 to 1) – Probably the most level headed and reasonab… Uh, nevermind.
- Rick Santorum (8 to 1) – Parrots the social conservative talking points, but comes across as a lightweight who’s a little unstable. Fortunately, that doesn’t disqualify him here. He just might be smarmy enough to win the nomination.
- Newt Gingrich (His old Tiffany’s debt to 1) – Newt, Newt, Newt… Three wives doesn’t mean you have three times the family values of your opponents. You might have been able to overcome that with your ability to articulate, but dissing the Paul Ryan budget was the end of you. Still, have fun appealing to no one. When you finally face reality and quit, record a country song like Johnny Cash to exorcise your demons: “A boy named Newt.”
- Mitt Romney – (5-1) “Corporations are people,” eh Mitt? I totally get where you’re coming from because you have the charisma of Cyborg, Inc. The only “people” attracted to you are named “Roomba.”
Seriously, I can’t see any of these candidates competing with President Obama. The American electorate wants to vote for someone they can relate to. Remember how people polled said George W. Bush seemed like a guy they could have a beer with? The Republicans have that guy in their ranks and it concerns me that he could pretty easily be convinced to run. That guy is Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown.