Let me preface this by informing you this is a “first-world” tragedy I’m about to describe, not some real tragedy involving someone’s health or well-being. No, wait. It is exactly well-being that’s at stake here. And hygiene.
This apocalyptic tale, like many, begins with a wealthy philanthropist. Well, a philanthropist – Joyce. To help support her beloved charities like the Summer Experience In Greater Lowell and the Boys and Girls Club of Greater Lowell, my girl auctions time at her Cape Cod cottage, aka the Happy Hollow. Last weekend, “George” (I’d change the names to protect the innocent, but in this sordid tale, there’s no innocence, plus “George” has a certain connection here…) was in residence with friends. I’m sure “George” is a fine fellow. He and his friends waters all her flowers, left Joyce a beautiful orchid, and left the place immaculate. Now I know why… They broke the “Commando 450.”
Part of the magic here has always been the Commando. If you’re not familiar with the term, then you’ve obviously one of the unwashed masses. I advise you to view the documentary below on the “Commando” in hopes you can understand my plight, and get yourself truly clean. Let’s put it this way, with the Commando 450, you don’t need soap to achieve blissful cleanliness. That baby packed exfoliating power, and required careful use to avoid damage to exposed and sensitive areas. Anyway… “George,” not having the black market showerhead connections necessary to secure a 450, made a decent effort and replaced the head with an attractive, but unreasonable facsimile that dribbled the water pressure of a tinkling 80 year old man.
Enter the internet. And freedom. Though “George” was unable, through no fault of his own, to obtain a black market showerhead, A Libertarian Approach to Showerheads: How to Increase Your Flow may deliver the high-pressure miracle we need. Until then, the Happy Hollow will not be the same, and neither will I.
“If I don’t have a good shower, I am not myself.
I feel weak and ineffectual. I’m not Kramer.”
– Cosmo Kramer in “The Shower Head”
What a horrific tragedy.. My heart was breaking as I read your piece…