Day: April 26, 2008

I’m going to keep this post short, but do women get spam promising a smaller vagina? I doubt it, because women aren’t hung up on their size. Well, that size anyway. I hear there’s a worldwide shortage of silicone impeding production of solar panels. Hey, I know where it all is. No wonder women have so much energy. Oh, that’s silicon they use in solar… Sorry for that little interruption.

It’s not easy to get large amounts of real data on “male enhancement” spending even for the legit ED drugs, but the marketer of “Enzyte,” a “natural male enhancement” formula was recently convicted “of conspiracy to commit mail fraud, bank fraud and money laundering.” Prosecutors charged Steve Warshak with scamming thousands of diminutive men out of some $100 Million Dollars! I’m sure there’s a good joke involving prison and his product, but this is a classy blog…

If one company rang up a hundred mil on the penis promise, what must the total spending be? A billion? Ten? A hundred? The marketing effort is huge. Here are some of the tens of spam that swell my inbox each week:

• Size Matters
• Mine is Bigger
• Impress Your Girlfriend
• Gain up to 4+
• Gain up to 5+
• Gain up to 6+
• Be like Ron Jeremy
• Did you hear about how big he was?
• Extra inches to Shlong
• Super-Size It Today!
• Buy Cialis, Viagra Online – Save Up To 40%…

…and my personal favorite, “Get a bigger copulation organ today.” Copulation? That reminds of Dick Nixon asking David Frost pre-interview if he “did any fornicating over the weekend,” I guess those particular marketeers must be after the Napoleon segment of the Republican Party.

I don’t know. Someone, apparently not P.T. Barnum once said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.” Steve Warshak is now snaking his way through the justice system for selling a dream that a minnow could grow into a Trouser Trout, and thousands of dopes bought it. They’re the biggest dicks of all.

This morning I consciously purchased my first carbon offsets. Yeah, as I was going through the obstacle course of online ticket purchasing for a Wilco show, this option was presented:

“Help the environment – Offset your CO2 emissions on the way to the show and plant a tree with your ticket purchase!

By donating to the cause, you can help plant trees in countries around the world and in the neediest tropical areas like Honduras, Belize, Senegal, Uganda, India and the Philippines.

When you drive your car to an event, it emits harmful doses of CO2 that pollute our environment and promotes global warming. By helping fund the purchase of renewable energy sources you can offset this pollution. To do so simply check the text box to the right and your credit card will automatically be deducted .55 cents (USD). Proceeds go to Trees for the Future and Native Energy and will be used to plant trees in some of the neediest places in the world, as well as help to purchase renewable energy sources.”

I’m not sure fifty-five cents will offset the carbon my car will emit driving to and from Tanglewood in Lenox, MA, but I’ve heard the venue is gorgeous and I know the band will bring it: