As I continue descending the sliding scale, down in the distance I see an intermediate goal aligned with the end of our “Biggest Loser” contest at work. My weekly goals are set in a “Weight Tracker” spreadsheet as are the weekly standings. From 6th place (down 4.2%), victory is attainable, but I’m not sure my -15.6% goal will get me there. All but a couple of people ahead of me really don’t have that much poundage to shed, so it’ll likely end up a two or three man race…

So far the only cheating I’ve done is a sourdough roll with butter while I worked from home last week. Single, reasonable portions are my key and they have been pretty easy to stick to. Temptation and fridge door dancing have been tempered with a single thought. “Everything in there but water has calories.” As I over think this thing, what concerns me most is a sub-conscious fight to retain the body type I’ve had for over 40 years, and if so, why?

My early memories of self-image probably began in junior high school when a school shopping trip permanently traumatized me when my mom insisted on perusing “husky” pants. I rationalized “fat” with “big” and thereafter pursued the “good” of being big, most prominently as a “power hitter” in baseball. That carried me through the ages of Little League, Babe Ruth League, High School, college and beyond. In the years since, I’ve always worked out and weight trained, partly to retain a strong, athletic, “big guy” image. As the years have padded the reflection, I’ve been blinded to its reality and of the metrics inflation glaring up from under my feet.

So I wonder, “Do I fear losing myself to a new, slim version of me that I’ve never known?” A little research turned up an article by Tracy Rose called, “Self-Sabotage – Reasons Not to Lose Weight.” In addition to the one above, she cites several methods of self-sabotage relevant to me:

  • Letting fear of life without the fat barrier get the best of you.
  • Being afraid of how you’ll respond when people show they are attracted to you.
  • You won’t be able to use fat as an excuse to stay on the sidelines of life anymore.

I don’t know why “fear of damaging my relationship with pizza” didn’t make the list, but I do know the Neapolitan is pretty pissed off at me right about now… Down is an interesting journey.