Strict copyright enforcement by the non-lingerie (as far as I know) football league prohibits my use of the proper term of tomorrow’s “big game” without the express, written consent of the… You get it, right? I can’t write “Super Bowl,” so you won’t see it here…
Anyway, I don’t want to generalize or be sexist in any way, but let’s face it, many of you ladies don’t have a clue about tomorrow’s game, so I’m here to help you engage your cave-men in their natural habitat and impress them with your football chops. And no, “football chops” are not something you serve after the nachos… Let’s get started, shall we?
First of all, the Indianapolis Colts used to be the Baltimore Colts and while the New Orleans Saints have always been from New Orleans, Archie Manning, their first big star, will be rooting for Baltimore… Uh, I mean Indy… Got it?
OK, so I want to give you some contextual nuggets to sprinkle into the testosterone and hot sauce fueled pigskin talk. Stuff you can say at just the right time to let the boys know you’re not just another pretty face… For example, early in the game when Indy gets a key defensive stop (whoa, this is going to be harder than I thought…). Re-do… Any time Indy’s defense (that’s when they don’t have the ball) stops the Saints on what appears (based on cavemen reaction) to be an exciting play, wait for the din to subside and say, ‘it’s amazing how the Colts “D” has played without Sanders.’ Bob Sanders is an outstanding safety (that’s a football position) who’s been out injured with “a knee” since early in the season. Trust me, the boys will be impressed.
This one is a little more sophisticated and is really a two parter… When the Colts have the ball, but are not successfully passing and Peyton (Archie’s kid) Manning appears frustrated, say “Wow, Marvin Harrison has been invisible today!” Now the guys will snicker and may try to ridicule you because in fact, Marvin Harrison, a long time Indy star receiver, is retired. When one of the he-men points that out, say “I guess you missed the irony of that, eh?”
Finally, here’s one you can serve with crackers or melted over nachos… When (and if) the Saints appear headed for a touchdown, try “I think the Saints are going to go marching in…”
Enjoy the game! Oh, and hon, can you get me another beer?