Author: fifteenkey (Page 13 of 95)

Dad turned 78 yesterday. For his birthday, he choked on his food and vomited a little shrimp scampi on his undercooked filet mignon. “No, thank you. We don’t want a doggie bag,” I said to Joan, the unknowing waitress. In the past few months I’ve heard conflicting stories about the old guy from my two brothers. One has dad a cancer stricken semi-invalid in a wheelchair and the other paints a dance floor dervish spinning on his own two wheels. The truth, of course, does not reside on either end of the story spectrum…

Dad’s wife Caroline passed in 2007, and since then he hasn’t found much to keep living for. His ties to family are threadbare. “I’ve always been a loner,” he says. Our conversations rarely stray from sports and other stuff you might talk to your barber about. I usually go with family stuff, and while he “loves” his family, I’m not sure he ever really learned to really embrace it. He loved Caroline though, and she really understood and accepted him as is. Looking at an old passport of hers, I said, “She was beautiful.” After a few long seconds, Dad cleared his throat and responded, “Yeah, she was.”

When I arrived, Dad had just woke from a frequent nap and was very groggy. As he spoke, he lost his train of thought on several occasions, but after a few hours, and especially during day two and three, the fog had lifted. I thought of ways he could keep his mind somewhat stimulated in the absence of humans. He claimed to like doing crossword puzzles when he was younger, so I got him a couple crossword paperbacks. I’m dubious he’ll open either, but hope I’m wrong.

Our bodies are made up of muscles attached to bones, and Dad does very little to exercise any of them except the ones controlling his TV remote. It’s all he wants to do, which is fine, but just a little work of body and mind could greatly improve his quality of life. For his atrophied muscles, I suggested walking to pick up his mail, about 200 yards from his door. He claimed he’d be on the verge of collapse after such an attempt, so I said try shorter distances and work up to it. “Do two houses and back, then three houses and back, until you can get to the mail center and back.” He gave me a look indicating he wonders why I bother suggesting such things.

Well, life is just better if you live it, so I’ll do what I can to make the oil can squeak out a few drops now and then to help flex his mind and creaky joints. Even if broken, he’s still got a heart.

Late last century I stood outside a running rental car somewhere in the San Francisco Bay area and conversed in a 32 x 80 inch glass box the way we used to about 6 or 7 cellphone generations ago. The familiar voice escaping the grime of the filthy black receiver offered me a 45% salary increase and moving expenses to California.

Money can motivate many behaviors that are just wrong. Sometimes when loyalties are washed away by it, the rational is, “it’s just business.” People lose their livelihoods to money every day, and others lose their souls. Maybe it’s the “root of all evil” thing. That’s one of those cliche’s that get thoughtlessly thrown around, but you have to wonder if an evil like the one money can buy existed before the schekel did.

The closing scenes of the film made me a little squeamish, and given the current slimy turmoil sucking the life out a small nation of fans I belong to, one specific scene left me even colder toward our team. Money can crush the joy of otherwise wonderful working lives, destroy friendships and tear families apart. If we let it.

“You know I can’t do that,” was my reply in spite of the mind fuck the numbers rang up. There were a couple reasons a 2,500 mile re-lo was a no-no, and my children were the first one. Back then there was no doubt my decision was the right one. In hindsight it’s clear my rewards are far beyond anything money can buy.

See “Moneyball.”

Feel that place in the center of your chest. It’s hard, but pliable, right? It would be pretty difficult to get a knife through it, but that’s how Elliott Smith killed himself. He took a kitchen knife and used enough force to shred that protective sinew and stab himself in the heart. Twice. If you’re not familiar with how Elliott Smith made this world a better place, listen to this.

In spite of a heart that “bled white” with gorgeous words and melodies, the dude wanted to die. About 15 months ago, my nephew Ryan kicked a chair out from underneath him and died. The world is not a better place without Ryan. He had a kind heart and treated his cousin Kyle with a warm and understanding love. He wanted the world to be a better place for Kyle and he succeeded.

Just imagine someone you love wanting to die like that. Imagine your wife or sister swallowing a bottle of pills and never waking up, or your husband falling off to sleep in his car… running in a quiet, dark garage, feeling he had no hope left. No hope. Imagine your child planning… buying rope and learning how to tie it. My sister in law Tammy probably imagines that every day. She found her son and nothing she could say or do could bring him back.

By Tawnee Lynne Cowan Photography

It’s a cold fucking world sometimes and while most of us never contemplate a bridge jump or gun purchase, many do. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention states, “In the United States, a person dies by suicide every 15 minutes, claiming more than 34,000 lives each year. It is estimated that an attempt is made every minute; with close to one million people attempting suicide annually.”

On Saturday I made a donation to support Tammy’s participation in an AFSP “Out of the Darkness” community walk. Then last night I consoled a loved one worried a dear friend may be contemplating suicide. I hope my small gesture shakes some good karma for that good soul.

You never really know what anyone around you is facing in their life. Sometimes things seem OK, but a person may be hiding untold anguish while teetering on the rim of an infinite black hole encouraging them to step. All we can do is try to keep each other lifted up. That’s why we’re here. To listen. To smile. To tell a joke. To encourage. To love. You never know when the light of your kind gesture is illuminating someone’s reason to live.

I didn’t know anyone directly affected on September 11, 2001, but obviously many do. My observations today are in no way intended as disrespect to the 3,000 who died that day. Actually I’m troubled we didn’t honor their sacrifice by embarking on a long-term change for the better.

When I was in college, Iranians took over our embassy in Tehran and held 52 hostages for 444 days. Why? Well, mostly because our government propped up their dictator, the Shah, for years. For our efforts, we got a continuous flow of cheap oil. The Iranian people didn’t get to share much of the wealth. Iranian dissenters were tortured and killed. I remember a small group of Iranian students protesting in the rare rain near “Old Main,” the original building on the University of Arizona campus. Their efforts were peaceful, but I recall thinking them laughably futile.

Later in college, Abdul was my friend. He was a Saudi student. I didn’t really hang out with the other Saudi’s, known as “sand-niggers” to some, but for some reason Abdul and I became friends. Probably because good pot helps ease international relations… The only other Saudi I remember by name was “Frank.” His real name was Mohammed, but with his ‘fro he looked just like Zappa. I got along just fine with the non-Royal Saudi’s, and over time learned that they were not big fans of their Royal family or my government who kept them in power. “That is our oil too,” Abdul explained.

As I scanned the news in the days following 9/11, I was relieved that neither Abdul nor “Frank” was pictured, but I fully understood how most of the hijackers were Saudi.

“They hate our freedom” was trotted out by our government as they got us fired up for war. Hate our freedom? Not really. I think the populist events of the recent “Arab Spring” in Egypt, Libya, Syria and elsewhere put that theory to rest.

I find it curious that some have such a fervent opposition to “illegal” immigrants in this country picking strawberries in the sun for 14 hours a day or cleaning our toilets, but fully support our presence in many foreign countries at the end of a gun tank or predator drone. If that were the case here, I think “we the people” would be doing everything in our power to evict them. And if the center of power of that vastly stronger occupier was a “shining city on a hill,” wouldn’t we try to take a shot at it? That’s exactly what we did during our revolution against a stronger occupier.

So ten years ago today, they took their best shot and they succeeded. They achieved their goals. They drew us into two wars which has drained us of over 5,500 human lives and approximately $3.7 trillion dollars, all put on a credit card. The 3,000? Not the point. They were striking at our power and likely see the 3,000 deaths as “collateral damage,” just like the estimate of over 100,000 civilians killed in Iraq and Afghanistan since 9/11.

In the days after that day a decade ago, we were nicer to each other. We let the guy go in front of us in traffic without flipping him off, we didn’t let the little things get to us and we were much less arrogant. We were humbled. I wish we honored our fallen by keeping that higher sense of our humanity. Instead we kept the cycle of violence going and treated our populace to the reality show called “Shock and Awe.” You may have heard of it. It’s on a 10 year run. Oh, and this is no “holier than thou” statement. I was there with my popcorn. I remember thinking the explosions should have been bigger.

So today, the husbands and wives and children that lost loved ones in NY, DC and Pennsylvania don’t have them back, and thousands of Iraqi and Afghan families are similarly scarred forever. Are we better off? Are we safer? Is the world a better place for our children and grandchildren, and for those of the 9/11 dead? No. Sadly, this is why I don’t think we’ve honored our victims of senseless mass murder during this dark decade. We’ve just extracted some very expensive revenge.

My faint hope is that over time we truly learn from that day and honor the fallen by making the world a better place for theirs left behind.

It’s September first. Sure, we have some warm days left, maybe even some hot ones, but the air is forever changed, for this season, anyway. So we adapt. We change with the dwindling days and if a sweater is what’s needed to preserve some warmth, we don one. This summer has been a season of sand and smiles, but Irene wiped the summer footprints like an etch-a-sketch, and her cruel winds and seemingly endless rains did some damage. The beach will never be the same and neither will we. So we change. We adapt.

Were’s my sweater?

Over the weekend, someone who read my post, “…for as long as we both shall live” sent me this message:

“so i just read your wedding blog…really beautiful. I got the feeling you are leaning toward climbing the hill…?”

My response was couched with descriptions of family obligations as current priorities. Then I wrote, “Maybe someday…” What was lost in translation was the sound that went through my head when I wrote it and that has been with me since. The tone of the words came from a live version of Bruce Springsteen’s “Atlantic City,” when he ad-libbed the words after these lines:

“And everything dies baby that’s a fact
But maybe everything that dies someday comes back.
(Yeah, maybe someday.)”

The Boss says the three words in a dismissive way, as if he doesn’t believe the hopeful lines before them. It’s understandable though, right? I mean, what dies and comes back? That “Live in New York City” record came out in 2001 and for most of the decade, its angst soothed me. As the decade drew near a close, it and other music feeding that particular emotional well became less relevant. I had grown to accept my life as it was, and let die a dream I thought it would be. The serendipity of a meal and a glass of Pinot with my son in California in 2009 punctuated the transformation. I was at peace with the road.

Since then I was stunned to learn that anything is possible and my solitary peace has evolved into sharing this life, supporting one another, and enjoying the journey together. And Love. That’s where I am and that’s where we are.

Maybe someday…

I went to a wedding Sunday. Actually, I was the best man, which was an honor given the respect I have for the groom, Alan Goldman. The event was described as “casual” to assist attendees with wardrobe, but the ceremony was anything but.

I hadn’t been to a wedding in years, but I do recall considering the ceremony as an obligation and the reception as the real reason for going, especially if there was a full mass. I’m sure a certain segment of the male population would agree, but Sunday I was suddenly not with them.

The event was intimate, with all 60 or so guests within 30 feet of the joining couple. My position was about five feet away, facing Judy, the beautiful bride with the sparkling eyes. I didn’t get much direction except from a wedding planner who said, “I’ll come get you when it’s time for you to get Pat,” (Judy’s sister) and, “Don’t drop these.” I was supposed to walk the Maid of Honor down the short aisle, “about halfway through” a song I had never heard. I started walking about four notes in… Twenty seconds later, Pat, Alan and I stood looking out for the bride while the music played… and played. It was probably only 4 or so minutes, but long enough for all of us to imagine a woman in a white-cr?me dress lowering herself out a window, but then Judy appeared and the Groom exhaled.

A female JP was at the helm for her 602nd wedding since she started in 2004. “They’re all different,” she told me afterwards. This one sure was.

From my vantage point I could see every face in the crowd and every one was paying attention. Dave, a long-time co-worker of Alan, was in the back with his Misty, and he was beaming. Alan’s 3 sons and daughter-in-law were right in front of me. The young men were understandably pensive. As someone who’s experienced it, seeing your Dad get married is a bit surreal.

Alan and Judy’s “I Do’s” were strong, but as the carefully chosen and beautiful vows began to flow, Alan ascended an emotional Heartbreak Hill, where strides get heavy, courage is tested, and many runners are broken…

The only certainty was that Alan was taking the hill. It may not have been as graceful as he would have liked, but as I heard the words. No, as I felt the words, I understood just a little of what he was feeling and had no doubt that if it’s ever me up there, I will stumble “up that hill with everything I’ve got…” and it will be wet with tears.

When most of us men get married in our 20’s or 30’s, the whole thing is a bit routine. It’s what you do. It’s what everyone does. You have your whole life ahead and marriage is a checkbox of sorts. School. Job. Marriage. House. Kids. Etc. But now, when you likely have less of your life ahead than behind, and you’ve with the woman, the whole love thing is on a completely different level. For one thing, the choice is made from a position of much more (well, some more) maturity. Not only do you savor every day with her, but every moment, because you’re not taking any of them for granted…

Just like on Heartbreak Hill when the cheers and encouragement of fans push runners up the hill, Alan had family and friends pushing him and Judy’s loving hands pulling him. He finished strong.

Congratulations!

I’m not at all happy with the performance of the President I helped elect in 2008, but in spite of the advantages of a stagnant economy and 14 million unemployed, the current crop of frothing Republicans has no shot of beating him. Still, someone has to be the Republican lamb, so let’s go to the lowlights:

• Rick Perry (3 to 1) – Governor of Texas, just like the last Republican president, and I think we know how that turned out. Actually, the destruction of that administration is still raging, but I digress. I’m hoping Perry wins the nomination just so Democrats in every race can run against the ghost of “Dubya.” Sadly, the brains in the party like Karl Rove probably know better than to nominate a Bush clone.
• Fred Karger (Off the board) – Hey Fred, there are no gay Republicans except you… You should go see Michele Bachman’s counselor-husband to “pray away the gay” so maybe FauxNews will let you in the next debate. Oh, and Mr. Bachmann takes Medicaid.
• Ron Paul (100 to 1) – Rep. Paul is my favorite politician because he isn’t one. He’s one of the most honest men in either party and therefore cannot be nominated.
• Michele Bachmann (10 to 1) – I kinda like her. She’s a strong woman who speaks her mind. I dig chicks like that. Unfortunately I disagree with pretty much all she stands for.
• Herman Cain – (1,000,000 to 1) “Hey, we have a black candidate too!” Rich dude on a very cool ego trip.
• Jon Huntsman (20 to 1) – I loved his book, “Winners Never Cheat.” It’s about not compromising your principles, even though that’s what he seems to be doing now that he’s running for president. Oh, you worked for Obama? Mormon dude, save your money. You’re going nowhere.
• Tim Pawlenty (2 to 1) – Probably the most level headed and reasonab… Uh, nevermind.
• Rick Santorum (8 to 1) – Parrots the social conservative talking points, but comes across as a lightweight who’s a little unstable. Fortunately, that doesn’t disqualify him here. He just might be smarmy enough to win the nomination.
• Newt Gingrich (His old Tiffany’s debt to 1) – Newt, Newt, Newt… Three wives doesn’t mean you have three times the family values of your opponents. You might have been able to overcome that with your ability to articulate, but dissing the Paul Ryan budget was the end of you. Still, have fun appealing to no one. When you finally face reality and quit, record a country song like Johnny Cash to exorcise your demons: “A boy named Newt.”
• Mitt Romney – (5-1) “Corporations are people,” eh Mitt? I totally get where you’re coming from because you have the charisma of Cyborg, Inc. The only “people” attracted to you are named “Roomba.”

Seriously, I can’t see any of these candidates competing with President Obama. The American electorate wants to vote for someone they can relate to. Remember how people polled said George W. Bush seemed like a guy they could have a beer with? The Republicans have that guy in their ranks and it concerns me that he could pretty easily be convinced to run. That guy is Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown.

A twenty meter wide seamless tube eight shades darker than black bore an endless hole into the horizon where hundred foot pines once stood. Actually, the bases, tops and sides of some still stood. It was as if their middles had been removed by a precision cosmic corkscrew. I stared into it like a deer frantic for an attacking tiger in the sightless night, but fearless, while in unmeasurable time its whole flashed nanosecond arcs of welder light reflecting across polished steel trapezoids rotating around, through and into themselves in perfect synchronicity. Without my physical participation, fusion fed magnetism of perfect design pulled me in a kaleidoscopic, vomit inducing tumble toward the swirling, curved and rounded fins of shimmering and perforated non-local metal.

Fear hung outer tube with time and without tickets. As I ascended wildly, atoms smashed and synapses were consumed in the chrome fire. Neurons tore by the billions. More were born. Flashbacks and forwards of life mysteries diffused through me like poisonless radiation. Whole lives played like sixty second movie trailers condensed to nanoseconds. The learning was Vulcan mind melding, but still short of unreachable certainty. A thick layer of insecure cells incinerated nearly completely. The survivors would die only from mental focus. Worried observers outside the zone blanketed me with protective aura against the cold vacuum of warped space and time. They called to me inside the tube and struggled to contain the damage outside of it. Their hearts pulled me. Their arms shook me. Their love saves me.

I woke up and remembered it all.

Harry Potter: “Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?”

Professor Albus Dumbledore: “Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (2011)

In the kitchen as I mixed the medical potion that keeps Kyle healthy, we were still buzzing from the midnight show of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2.” Kyle wore a radiant smile as he downed the elixirs. “They should do another movie where that one left off,” he hopefully suggested. “Nah,” I said. “That was a great run, but now it’s over. We’ll enjoy this and then find some new magic.” “Will that be about wizards?” the boy asked. “I don’t know, my boy. It will be different. There’s a lot of magic in this world.” I went on to give him some examples like the magic he brings into the lives of everyone he meets.” Kyle smiled in an almost embarrassed way. I do think he knows he flies quite a bit of magic through this life. “How about the love we all feel for Maddy? That’s magic, right?” Kyle was still smiling as he nodded. I thought about the other magic in my life, but I didn’t want to go all mushy on the poor kid. We hugged. I told him I loved him and to sleep in. No summer program tomorrow.

What’s the magic in your world?