High prices um, fueled Exxon Mobil and Royal Dutch Shell to their best quarterly results EVER today, with Exxon becoming the first U.S. company ever to ring up quarterly sales of $100,000,000,000.00. Yeah, that’s a lot of zeroes. The boys at Exxon also run a tight ship, and they scored their largest EVER quarterly profit of $9,900,000,000.00. Not one to boast, Exxon didn’t mention in its earnings announcement that its nearly ten-billion dollar PROFIT was a record. Puny in comparison, Shell made a measly $9,030,000,000.00 PROFIT.

Responsible corporate citizen, Exxon Mobil’s chairman and chief executive, Lee Raymond, emphasized his Mother Theresa-like company “acted responsibly” in pricing gasoline in the aftermath of Katrina and Rita, adding that profits were “tempered” by the storms, and he warned that “reduced volumes and higher costs” will “impact” Exxon’s earnings in their upcoming fourth quarter.

US petroleum consumers were all having a cigarette and unavailable for comment.