The Sad Demise of Pluto

Apparently Pluto is going to be a former planet soon. Yes, it’s true. A “Planet Definition Committee” of the International Astronomical Union is meeting in Prague this week to decide the icy ball’s fate. Obviously, folks are upset, and no one more so than Pluto. I reached out to his people for this exclusive interview. Note: It was very clear right from the get-go of this interview that Pluto was very distraught and drinking heavily. It was truly heartbreaking.

Fifteenkey: “Are things better since Michael Eisner left?”

Pluto: “Hey man, Mike was dope. You noticed any Pluto features since the dude got canned?”

Fifteenkey: “Uh, sorry. From what I read, Mr. Eisner wasn’t too popular with the shareholders.”

Pluto: “Yeah, well that’s because the shareholders had blind allegiance to the board, and the board was manipulated by the main mouse.”

Fifteenkey: “Why was Mickey Mouse manipulating the board?”

Pluto: “Boy, you’re a sharp one, you are. You ever work for Bush?”

Fifteenkey: “No, I’m an independent.”

Pluto: “I see. Anyway, it was the Pixar thing. They weren’t interested in doing that computer generated shit for any of the old crew and that really frosted Mick. I remember one time we were at Jack Nicholson’s house and Mick was hammered. It was when Minnie had that thing with Goofy and Mick was hittin’ it pretty bad. At least it ended the debate about what Goofy was.”

Fifteenkey: “So what happened?”

Pluto: “You really did your homework, eh? Mick tossed a drink in Steve Jobs face and fu&^%in lost it, man. I finally was able to drag his ass out of there, but Jobs was messed up. Mick really freaked him out. His eyes were bulging and his whiskey coated screams of ‘YOU’LL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN’ were chilling. I’ll never forget it.”

Fifteenkey: “Cool story. So what about this planet thing?”

Pluto: “Hollywood politics. Pure and simple.”

Fifteenkey: “I don’t get it.”

Pluto: “Yeah, I can tell, and you definitely need to. Dude, all the planets are wired ‘cept Pluto. Hey, I had my day, but somebody had to go and that somebody is me. I mean, Mercury’s f$%^ing HOT, Venus has the goddess of sex thing going. Earth? Man… Mars has scary fake Martians. Jupiter is huge and has that freaky spot thing. Saturn has rings, and I’ll admit, they’re f&^%ing cool. Neptune… I don’t know. It’s blue. What’s Pluto got?”

Fifteenkey: “What about Uranus?”

Pluto: “This interview is over.”