The 2009 “Value Voters” Summit was held last weekend in Washington DC. The headliners of the event included “15 current or former Republican elected officials or Cabinet members and no Democrats.” I guess winning isn’t one of their values. Of course, these fine folks had a Hollywood celebrity, the runt of the Baldwin litter, the talentless Stephen. The last “film” I saw this guy in was “Shark in Venice” on the SyFy channel. Now Kyle loves any movie with a shark in it, but it was dreadful and one Amazon reviewer described his performance thusly, “throughout the entire thing he looked like a guy trying to wake up from an Ambien hangover who is also slightly constipated.”

Anyway, the breakout sessions of this hoedown included:


In “The New Masculinity” session, Michael Schwartz, the chief of staff of United States Senator Tom Coburn’s (R-OK) made the case that viewing straight porn turns adolescent boys gay because it “turns your sexual drive inwards.” What Mr. Schwartz whiffs on is the fact that women don’t um, have a hand in these boys fantasies because they’re not there. I doubt these little dudes would be waxing their Wii if Lara Croft suddenly jumped out of their game console. I’m just sayin’.

A DC summit wouldn’t really carry any credibility without a presidential poll, and here’s where the traveling “700 Club” hung their chads:

  • Mike Huckabee 28.48% – I’d never vote for him, but the Huckster is OK with me.
  • Mitt Romney 12.40% – Mitt’s got the Bain business pedigree and all, but he makes watching paint dry seem like a KISS concert. Plus, he’s a Mormon and these believers apparently don’t dig the tabernacle choir.
  • Tim Pawlenty 12.23% – Who?
  • Sarah Palin 12.06% – Carrie’s mom is a woman who clearly does not understand her limitations. I hope she is the nominee. I really do.
  • Mike Pence 11.89% – See Tim Pawlenty above.
  • Newt Gingrich 6.70% – Not since “A Boy Named Sue” has anyone been so pissed about what his parents named him. A Boy named Newt…
  • Bobby Jindal 4.69% – Isn’t the Indian “Mister Rogers” a little brown for this group? Yeah, his numbers would indicate so.
  • Rick Santorum 2.51% – Can you say, “Sanatorium?”
  • Ron Paul 2.18% – The only one of this bunch that makes much sense, but I’m sure most attendees had no idea what the hell he was talking about.
  • Other 1.68% – I think Ronald Reagan got most of these votes.

Seeing all these Republican nomads wandering the political desert in search of a clue is priceless and yet another annual stop to suck up at Intolerance Island is an indication they’re still far from finding one.