It’s not all about presents, and the internet is proving to be very helpful with all sorts of holiday solutions.

About 40 years ago, I saw Santa Claus Conquers the Martians in a theater. Even as a young’n, I knew it was one of the worst films ever. Enjoy!

Northampton, MA is a very lesbian-friendly place. Last night as Jeff and I dined and walked the streets of the cool little arts haven before a tremendous Pernice Brothers show, we saw plenty of them. Fat lesbians, skinny lesbians, lesbians that climb on rocks. Tough lesbians, sissy lesbians, even lesbians with… Well, you get the point. I joked that we should have had a lesbian band back in the Tar Hut Records days when several of our bands were from the NoHo area. “They also could have been called ‘the Ex-Husbands.’” One of our bands actually was called “the Ex-Husbands,” but they were three guys from… Nevermind.

The line into the Iron Horse for the 10:00 show was about 87 deep, but it moved reasonably quickly and soon we were looking for a seat in a room that was like one big game of musical chairs. We spotted two chairs in the second row of tables dead center in front of the stage. “Hi, is anyone sitting in these two chairs,” I asked. One of two women sitting at the table looked indignantly at me and said, “My feet are on one of those chairs.” I see… “Well, do you mind if we sit in them?” “My feet are comfortable. There are other chairs.” At that point, Jeff said, “Let’s go,” and mumbled something about “evil.” I said, “Hey, thanks” and walked away, but I was really pissed at the rudeness.

About an hour later, as Jeff and I were perched perfectly in the front row of the balcony and sitting on a cushioned futon, I noticed the two women embracing and doing the “goo-goo, ga-ga” thing, and I thought, someday that hater will turn her invective on the girlfriend and it won’t be a pretty sight. I don’t really care about someone’s personal preferences, but damn, how about a little simple courtesy? Maybe she was angry about lesbian jokes…

I think I will… Jeffro and I head West imminently to enjoy a fine dining experience in NoHo and then settle into the Iron Horse to see the Pernice Brothers. Actually, Joe is the only Pernice full-time in the band as his brother Bob “comes and goes as he pleases.” I don’t think it’s a Gallagher brothers thing… Anyway, I’m doing my thing to support the band, so why don’t you do yours? Their new record is the title of this post and is available from the band’s site or at your local CD store. You can live a little right now by immersing yourself in the big budget video of the hit single, “Somerville.” Hey, while you’re there, check out a full stream of “Snow” from “Discover a Lovelier You.” Rocks.

The calm in the darkness on my edge of town was jostled by a restless psyche at 4:00am. Since then I’ve devoured all there is to read in my Bloglines feeds and then veered off into blogs discussing SAP’s recent analysts conference and their strategy for small to mid-sized businesses (SMB). WTF? What’s wrong with me? I should still be snug in my bed with anything but SMB dancing in my head. Speaking of SAP, their small business TV ads portray the owners as dopes with their eyes widened at the mere thought of having SAP in their business.

How to I segue from that to abstract art? Oh, Jackson Pollock. A recent article tells the tale of some drip who thinks he found some Pollock’s in a mayonnaise jar kept on Funk And Wagner’s porch… or something like that. That article led me to this one about the house he shared with wife, Lee Krasner, and then I got thinking about whether he ever did anything with a Christmas theme. That was probably pretty naive of me given the darkness he lived in, so after finding no such work, I searched further and hit a mother lode.

My Christmas by Luiza Vizoli was the first piece found, but like striking gold, if you keep digging and following the vein, the value of your find increases. Burrowing like the beaver in Caddyshack, I dug up A Grand Don’t Come for Free by Jaime Lyn Zatloukal – Best.

These, and many other fabulous paintings can be found at EBSQ an online art association and community of independent artists offering original art at incredibly reasonable prices. Check it out.

OK, that’s it for this morning. Now it’s time to put up the tree and start my “Ten Part Mental Fitness Program.” I may have to push that one to 11…

Tonight’s search for “Santa’s Little Helper” turned up Mr. Potatoe Head, the Dan Quayle Edition.

Let’s get this party started with a perfect gift for any pal planning a traditional Christmas beer bash! Now, many of you are looking for more sophisticated gifts to um, present at the swanky parties you attend. Me, I lean toward either the nostalgic or purely intellectual gift. Then again, you may opt for something edgy and high-tech, but with a “humanoid personality.” In any case, you can’t go wrong with any of these impressive holiday tokens.

You know, the holidays are one of the most romantic times of the year. In 2006, I think it would be just swell if some of you more progressive women got on bended knee and gave your man one of these.

Even the holidays have a downside, and Mr. Glass Half-Full is here to point out a solution. Yep, after the egg-nogs, cookies and pork rinds, this can help you manage away the holiday wreath that’s grown around your waist.

Oops, I almost forgot to note the next holiday film feature from “Fifteenkey’s Film Festivus.” This is the Daley boys favorite clip from “Elf.” “Look at you!”

Of course none of us know when we might see someone, smile, or say “I love you” for the last time, but for some of “the greatest generation,” today is a day to say goodbye.

I was under the impression that “28 days” was some rehab term, but I guess it’s an old one. So many people are fucked up these days treatment facilities can’t handle the volume if they give people 28 days. Whatever. I suppose the 28 days was the time it took to get shit out of your system and then try to resume a normal life. When I searched the term it brought up the IMDB link to the film and interestingly one person posted a comment comparing it to “Girl, Interrupted.” Having never seen it, I read a little…

I think I’m looking for some kind of answer, but fuck it. Sometimes you just have to laugh. Here’s a little exchange between Angelina Jolie (Lisa) and Whoppi Goldberg (Valerie):

Lisa: Take one fuckin’ step and I’ll jam this in my aorta.
[aiming a pen at her neck]
Valerie: Lisa, your aorta is in your chest.
Lisa: Good to know.

Last night I dreamt of driving toward lower Manhattan when suddenly the streets were flowing like those in Venice. Suddenly, and seemingly without warning, the water was up to my shoulders and everything in the car was under it. Sitting at a basketball court drying off in the sun, I wasn’t feeling any particular loss over the car, but was seriously bummed out about my laptop and camera, which was spewing water out of every opening like in the Three Stooges short when the boys pose as plumbers at a fancy home where mayhem rightly ensues. When someone asks the black cook for a glass of water, his classic response is, “Water? Turn on anything; you’ll get it!”

Wikipedia has a decent definition of the medium and states they “were shown mostly to the baby boomer generation schoolkids of the U.S. and U.K. during the 1960s, 1970s, and the early 1980s.” Yeah, I’d be in that demographic.

I saw “A Christmas Story” today with Kyle, and the “Warren G. Harding” school depicted looked eerily like my own Greenwood Elementary back in the 60’s. My research turned up a couple filmstrip examples, and they starkly depict the difference in our culture then and now.

“Sharing With Neighbors” is a must-see classic and clearly a product of the 50’s or early 60’s; a truly innocent time for many Americans. Contrasting it is “American Civics Volume II,” a humorless spoof of the medium that saddens me even though its political leaning is not contrary to mine.

I miss the filmstrip…

In my Bloglines RSS feed reside several consumer sites including The Bargainist, AntiRebate, DealNews and my favorite, TechBargains. Occasionally some real deals pass my retinal nerve and I feel compelled to pass them on. It must be the holiday spirit or something… I also think it only good form to keep my Santa’s Little Helper a multimedia extravaganza, so I’ve included appropriate imagery and a holiday film clip for your enjoyment. On Dasher! On Nixon!

At this time of year, many of you will be faced with the “Holiday Party Guestlist Dilemna.” I think you know what I mean. Heck, I may be on your “naughty list” of people you really don’t want to invite, but feel obligated to. I’m here to help. First, send the invitation. Second, slip a strong laxative into the drink or appetizer (I cannot spell Hors de overs…). About thirty minutes later, install the “Toilet Monster.” I expect your “only invited ‘cuz I had to” guest will both not use your facilities and will have to leave your party immediately. Hey, let me know how it goes.

Another classy party tool is now available from a liquidation sale of former Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski leftover from a big birthday bash he threw for his now ex-wife with company money. I bet he wishes he still had this in the big house.

Say your buddies are out of town and won’t be coming over for the big game, beer and pork rinds. This ingenious stand-in for male bonding will keep you yucking it up until the boys are back in town.

Another quandry of some men and some women is when the girlfriend is away. No problem if you have the Girlfriend Pillow. Of course another option is silicone breast implants which are back on the market after recent FDA approval, bit I guess those would have to be considered Girlfriend Pillows…

Finally, let those weenie cut and run Democrats drive a Prius. Raw-meat eating Republicans need to make their own personal statement on their war on terror. Buy your favorite neo-con one of these and you can tool around the neighborhood crushing those wimpy green machines. As one reviewer put it, “Finally a tank you can trust.”

As promised, here’s the first ever clip from a series I’m calling “Fifteenkey’s Film Festivus.” Tonights clip is from “Bad Santa,” a Christmas classic that sits on the holiday film spectrum far, far, far on the opposite side from, “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Yes, this Santa is very bad. Enjoy!