A place to indulge my narcissism... and write stuff...

Author: fifteenkey (Page 12 of 95)

“Just do something, even if it’s wrong.”

My friend Peter Gonnella said that to me many years ago. Twenty? Thirty? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I never forgot it and occasionally remember it. My only recollection besides the words is that he said with a wink, but there’s always some sincerity in sarcasm, and all the sons of Tony and Barbara had a bias for action. They always seemed to get the summer job. Get the loose ball. Get the girl. I remember as a kid, my mom saying, “I wish you’d be more aggressive like the Gonnella’s.” Even within the past few years, she sent me a birthday instant message echoing the same theme:

“I wish your dreams come true and the drive to go after them.”

On Sunday I attended a writer’s workshop, “Plotting the Novel,” courtesy of a gift certificate from Joyce. The day was intended for those working on a novel, a working class I currently do not belong to. So as we explored the protagonist, their flaw and the cause of it, their wound, I used the exercise to analyze the protagonist of my life story. What’s my flaw? As I’ve endulged before, it’s fear. I’ll leave it at that for now. While it’s easy to identify the flaw of my character and the “incremental perbutations” (John Barth) that have, and continue to emanate from it, it’s not easy to fix. It’s not like I can just get big steel balls implanted, it’s more about everyday choices in handling adversity, regardless of scope.

It’s a blessing to have choices. Should I spend the money to finish my “mancave” project? Should I write a book? Should I lay it on the line? Should I fight for what I want? Taking action on any of these choices involves risk. Spending money means less financial security for my family. What if my book sucks? What if I’m rejected or lose? What if?

I wanted to attend “Planning Your Book,” but procrastination (see “incremental perbutations” above) delayed taking the step and the gift expired. The good folks at Grub Street in Boston reanimated the gift until the end of January, so I had to choose. I was up against it. “Plotting the Novel” was the best course not already sold out. I took it and learned something about myself.

For all of us, our gift will expire. No need to fear that. It’s a certainty. It’s all the little decisions we make between now and then that will determine whether we’ll have regrets when the clock runs out. So don’t hold back. Don’t be afraid. I wish your dreams come true and the drive to go after them. Or as my friend Peter said, “Just do something, even if it’s wrong.” I hope he’s lived his life that way and will have no regrets.

I am loving the Republican presidential nominating process and the Roman Coliseum (complete with lions) theatrics of their nightly debates. OK, they’re not on every night. Maybe someday. Leading the den is the only red-blooded Newt under the big-top, Mr. Gingrich. Last night in Charleston, South Carolina, with sordid tales from an ex-wife just whetting the news cycle, the former Speaker of the House thundered indignation from one of four podiums and blew the audience out of their seats and into his corner. As the roused crowd called for more red meat, Newt’s anger rose as he buried the “open marriage” question and the man who chose to ask it, CNN moderator, John King. Gingrich was brilliant.

In the “not so much” category was Mitt Romney, a “suit” if there ever was one. Romney’s news of the day was that he actually didn’t win the Iowa Caucus. Rick Santorum did. Mitt’s problem is twofold. One, he doesn’t have any passion; and two, he can’t even act like he does. The poor stiff is tone deaf, too. Last night as he tried to differentiate himself from his “Washington insider” opponents, he said the American people want someone “who’s lived in the real streets of America.” Um, your dad ran a car company. Yeah, it was in Detroit, but you weren’t hanging out on 8 Mile. Romney’s undoing will be his 1040’s. If he evaded taxes the way he’s evading questions about them, he’s done. It looks like he wanted to stonewall the issue until he won a quick early nomination. With Newt raging, that scenario looks unlikely.

Flanking Newt and Mitt on stage were Rick Santorum, former Senator from PA, and everybody’s favorite Libertarian, Texas congressman Ron Paul. Paul is “Bill Nye the Science Guy” of Republicans, but he’s simply not taken seriously by the GOP. Still, with 21.4% in Iowa and 22.9% in NH, he may stick around awhile.

Since almost winning Iowa (before we knew he actually did win Iowa) and getting some attention at the debates, Rick Santorum has impressed me. Of course I don’t agree with any of his policy positions, but he has a good grasp of the issues and makes a solid case for where he stands. He also seems more like a real person than the robotic, stuttering Mitt and the caricature that is Ron Paul. Once the Republicans figure out that Newt’s 3 marriages, House ethics violations, lobbyist baggage and sweaty hypocrisy (he led impeachment of Bill Clinton while having an affair of his own) make him unelectable, maybe Rick Santorum will be their guy.

Meanwhile, in Harlem, President Obama was addressing a crowd at the Apollo Theatre and sang a little Al Green. Pretty well, too. He’s a real guy who’s going to be tough to beat. Send in the clowns.

Can we still be friends?

I’m leaving you, Facebook. It’s not you; it’s me. You’re really fun and I have a great time with you. I always look forward to the next time I’ll see you, but it’s just not going anywhere.

Seriously, I’m out. I want to write a book, and in the time I’ve spent on Facebook just in the past couple years, I could have written one. Recently it occurred to me I was wasting good (well, in my opinion) material on Facebook that could be in a binding, or at a minimum, in my blog. When a song just kept bouncing off my cranial walls, I wrote, “This song has been a cave drawing in my head since ’95. It recently dripped off the grey walls to the top of my mental turntable.” I don’t know. Maybe that wasn’t even Facebook-worthy. It didn’t get any comments or even “Likes.” Hey, I liked it.

Anyway, part of this is an exercise in self-discipline. I’m not even sure I can do it. Surely there will be times I’ll be like an amputee reaching for that Android or iPad app, but they won’t be there. I’m severing them. Friends and loved ones have quit drinking, smoking and heroin. I can quit Facebook.

I’ll miss it. I’ll miss the humor of Mike Yarnall, Megan, Molly and Liz, but I live with Megan, and sometimes work with Molly and Liz. Mike, please keep in touch. I’ll miss the Joyce’s, Work and Play, but I see them both and one never posts anyway. I’ll miss the immediacy of commenting a funny (again, my opinion) one liner on a friends post. I’ll miss seeing Boston grow up. Nat and Rod, please send pictures! I won’t miss dog and cat posts. Or the whining.

So, my Facebook “friends,” if we really are friends, you know how to reach me… Do it.

Oh, one more thing. I’ll never forget Rocky Point is a safe place to visit…

“Things are said one by one
Before you know it’s all gone”
Can we still be friends?
– Todd Rundgren

Santa Sightings & Stuff

Monday night I saw Santa. Yeah, the old guy was walking better too, now that he’s got the the new hip. He dropped in on the Boston Christmas Pops show at Symphony Hall. I sat there among the privledged as a guest of a firm that provides outplacement services to corporations for their ex-employees who have been placed… out. They are very nice people, and I’ve had a wonderful time the past two years as Joyce’s +1. During a break, I chatted with fellow invitee Herb, about the endurance of the instruments being played so wonderfully before us. The timeless tools played by today’s elite violinists, for example, are essentially the same design as those produced in the mid 1600’s to mid 1700’s. For the very few fortunate that play a Stradivarius, they are exactly the same. Priceless for their quality and uniqueness, they cannot be improved. The orchestra creating such beautiful noise was making it with tools of wood and horsehair created hundreds of years ago. I wondered if much of our modern stuff would endure like that.

It was not lost on me that we sat very near neighborhoods of people who lived in the shadow of Symphony Hall, but would never enter it. It reminded me of a recent NPR story about mall Santa’s being coached this year to temper the expectations of children sitting on their knee, based on visual cues from parents unable to meet them. That’s got to be a very difficult moment for parents, but the Santa’s in the story ease the moment with empathy. Among those children, many of them won’t be disappointed if there’s not particular “stuff” under the tree as long as they have mom or dad or both or any loving “family” to share the feeling of Christmas with. Christmas really is a feeling we all long for, but often find elusive. To some, it’s a feeling of faith, a belief that something glorious and good happened on that day. To others, it’s a feeling born of family, traditions and togetherness like you might see in a Norman Rockwell painting. To many it’s both.

Christmastime can also haul out a big red sack of emotions we dig through trying to find sense in the darkness among the skeletons, fears and unfulfilled wishes. One morning this week Megan said, “I wish our family could be normal and just have a normal Christmas.” My response threw doubt on the term “normal family” and I suggested most families have their share of ex-spouses, egg nog abusers, social misfits and fugitives from justice. Megan laughed and quickly turned to the kids… Maddy, her brother, her niece and nephew(s). “I want them to have experiences, and I want them to have a good Christmas.” My daughter “walks the talk” that many others only talk, and talk, and talk. She’ll have all the little ones this weekend.

As the string section played an other worldly “O Little Town of Bethlehem,” Joyce leaned over and whispered in my ear so sweet, “You know, Kyle would love this.” She said the same thing last year and I didn’t act on it. Not this time. This Sunday’s “Boys Day” in Boston will feature lunch, a little shopping and the 3:00 performance of the Christmas Pops.

Whatever Christmas is to you, I hope what you choose to make of it endures.

Sure, i was seduced by the iPhone for a long time, but because I was locked into a, um, long-term deal (i.e. If you die and no one is using the phone, they’ll still be billing you until you re-animate Frankenstyle and cancel… oh, of course only after the expiration of said long-term deal…) with Big Red. Anyway, my old Windows Mobile phone, a Samsung Omnia, was working just fine, but it was a little short on the cool factor. So, in the Springtime of my technology loving this year, I began research for a new phone. I should note that my research efforts delve to a depth and breadth that makes me wonder how I ever get to purchasing anything at all…

[On a related note, I’ve had the same blade in a Gillette Fusion Power razor since acquiring it in May of 2010. It’s a “weekend at the Happy Hollow” backup, so no, I’ve not been ripping my face off with it. Anyway, have you seen the price of blades for that freakin’ thing? I have, and I’ve been holding out, researching for a price somewhere South of the 4/$16.29 at CVS… That’s $4.0725 each for those of you not doing math in your head right now… So yesterday, the lovely Joyce and I am at an Estate Sale and I see a grungy, used model… Gross, right? Yeah, but underneath were 2 pristine replacement blades. I approached the lady doing the “slips” and held up the razor (hiding the blades) with a high degree of contriteness… I think I bowed my head a little. She looked at the gross, soap scummy razor and said, “fifty cents?” Folks, you do the math on that one. Woo hoo!]

Oh yeah. The phone thing. So, blah, blah, blah… There I am in the local Big Red store in May, and they finally had the iPhone. It’s a cool little device, and I get the whole “it just works” (unless you have the AT&T version and want to use it as a um, phone) thing, but it’s a little too slick and a little too vanilla for me. Plus, I’ve been using computer technology since before Windows, and I gotta tell you, none of it “just works.” That’s OK. Over the years I’ve become very self reliant (nod to all you Emerson fans), and from custom “bat” and “ini” files to “cooked” “ROM’s” for smartphones, I’ve learned to love technology tinkering. You really can’t mess with an iPhone. That baby is “locked down,” as they say in the biz. Yeah, yeah, you can “jailbreak” it and then customize, but Apple make it very difficult to do so. Plus, when I picked it up in the store, it felt too small and somewhat toy-like. No. I was going for an Android phone.

The three major hardware contenders were Motorola, Samsung and HTC. My Omnia was a Samsung product and had some issues, so it was nixed. Motorola and HTC seemed pretty even in terms of build quality, but the design, and especially the “Sense” interface software gave the edge to HTC. I liked the product I purchased, but the name was just so silly, I couldn’t say or write it until I read something funny referencing it on an online Android forum.

My experience with the phone has been a good one, but others have had serious issues including:

– Multiple, random reboots
– No voicemail notifications
– Dropped data connections
– A slow, and then botched rollout of the Android 2.3 (Gingerbread) upgrade
– Poor battery life

The random reboots was a real PITA for those experiencing it, but I wasn’t one of them. Nor did the voicemail thing affect me. The battery life is poor, but i usually have the phone plugged in whether home, in the office or driving, and I do get intermittent data connection issues, but that’s mostly when I’m using the phone as a wi-fi router. Yeah. Down the Cape we don’t have Internet, so my phone provides it. Just this morning Joyce was surfing on her laptop and I was Facebooking on my iPad, all via wireless Internet from my phone. Its fast, too. Just like at home. Then my now 20 year old son called. While we chatted with him via speakerphone, we remained connected to the Internet… Yep. Simultaneous voice and data to both devices. I’m not sure whether any other Big Red phones can do that yet, but mine was the first.

So while some phone website recently awarded my phone the Android Lemon Award for the worst phone of 2011, I disagree. In fact, I’m no longer embarrassed to say its name.

“Why yes, ma’am… That is a Thunderbolt in my pocket.”

The late evening walk from the Boston Garden to the Park Street Station was always an enjoyable one, especially after a Bruins win. He usually grabbed a slice at Halftime Pizza on the corner of Causeway and Friend Street, then walked along the dark Friend, wallet front pocketed, alert to any threat lurking in a doorway or alley. Once out to Congress Street headed toward Boston City Hall, things got brighter and there were always lots of cars and cabs around to suppress the crime rate.

Climbing the long stairs from Congress up on to the large, red brick field surrounding City Hall felt good, but it was mostly a head down exercise. The architecture of City Hall looks like it was designed for a 1970’s version of “Batman” by a set designer inspired by only a cinder block and a bad interpretation of Frank Lloyd Wright. It’s better to simply avoid eye contact and focus on the red bricks under foot.

With the lifeless rectangles of brick passing below, he thought about his family… his children, and the love of his life. It didn’t take concious thought. They were always “there” and always would be. He remembered that article about November being “write a novel month,” or something like that. Would he ever muster the courage to try? A couple of guys waited to cross Tremont Street as he approached. A stream of taxi’s passed and when the sizzling sound of rotating rubber skimming wet pavement faded, he didn’t wait for the light and blew past the pair. He thought mid-stride if that was rude. They didn’t say anything, so apparently not. Much of that stretch of Tremont is under cover, so the last misty wringing of clouds would not freshen his face. As he approached two sauntering women from behind, one white and one black, he swayed a bit away from them so not to startle. They were talking about a show they’d just seen. They liked it. It made them think. The best kind.

With the Granary Burial ground on the right, he could see the subway stop ahead and sped his stride. Just a quick hop across Park Street and he’d soon be in a sideways seat heading home. He took a quick look to his left to check traffic and saw a taxi turning the corner. Instantly a mis-step sent him lurching forward without balance. Taxi inertia and head gravity met at an exact point in space. There was no time for a highlight reel of life. Later, pensive workers moved him from the cold, wet slab to a dry one.

I’m not sure why that story popped into my head Thursday night. I’ve been thinking about a sick friend lately. Death isn’t being suddenly kind to him. It’s teasing and tormenting. It’s inflicting horrific physical pain on my friend, and worse mental anguish on him and all who love him. Death has many faces and infinite creativity. I’m pretty sure I want to see it coming. I want some time to think about it…

I stopped short of the curb. The taxi passed. A wonderful life would continue to.

Eight isn’t Enough

I had the “pleasure” of watching the Republican debate last night. Here’s my one word review of each candidate:

Mitt: Shaky
Michelle: “Repeal”
Newt: Chameleon
Herm: Marginalized (bonus word: Maria!)
Ron: Invisible
Rick Santorum: angry
Jon: Obama
Rick Perry: Goodbye

The fact is, Barack Obama will beat any one of them in a debate forum or election. The Republicans need a candidate with a prayer (and I don’t mean those that pander to Christians). Last night as a massive storm lashed Alaska, Sarah Palin must have been thinking, “well, I can’t see Russia right now, but I can’t be any worse than these 8 clowns.”

I agree. She’s no worse than Rick Perry and should jump in the race ASAP.

November snuck in while I was staring at a large, alien-like object lying dead in my yard. People that see the giant oak just repeat the same three word phrases to themselves as they try to process 1. the sheer enormity of the thing, from its giant, slithering tentacles to a four foot thick trunk, and 2. the odds of it falling precicely between two homes it could have easily crushed. Laying on it’s side, the massive branches still hover thirty feet in the air, and the footprint covers my entire yard, roughly one hundred feet long by fifty wide. Oh, one of the sayings is, “OMG!” The other is “WTF!” Yesterday my mom saw it and went with about ten repetitions of the former.

20111109-194955.jpg

I always worried about that big, beautiful tree falling on the house. Several long, thick branches inched closer to the asphalt shingles as the years passed. A stinging 2008 December ice storm produced the scariest night ever in my home. For hours, as tree limbs exploded shards of ice and splinters in the woods behind my home, the large limbs of the oak pressed against my attic bedroom skylight. When the biggest arms of the old tree survived that night, I stopped worrying about one of them reaching unwelcomed through my roof.

The October snowstorm not predicted by the Farmer’s Almanac dumped over a foot of heavy, wet snow that knew it’s days were numbered. This was not January snow that knew temperatures would keep it solid well into March. This was snow that knew it was lucky to be alive, but was realistic enough to know it wouldn’t see Christmas. It infiltrated every crevice of the mossy bark and clung desperately to thousands of leaves, also desperate to remain connected to life just a few more weeks. I imagined some aristocratic leaf like the Caladin Hoxley character in “Titanic” shaking snow off and yelling, “you’ll swamp the boat!” The snow kept coming…

Part of me wishes I heard it, but the part that slept downstairs during that ice storm is glad I didn’t. The weight of the snow and the high winds teamed with gravity and inertia to send the celebrity of our landscape into a sway so powerful, it ripped the entire century old root system out of the ground into a chaotic ball of soil, rocks and torn arteries. The impact sliced a long section from the top side of the trunk length. The twenty foot severed section now hovers above the trunk like an airborne, riderless surfboard. One hundred plus years of life was over in less than five seconds. Then nature carried on; her snow and wind no longer impeded by life in that particular space.

In some ways, the old oak tree was a natural extension of my now 81 year old Craftsman bungalow. They grew up together, and now sadly the clock ran out for one of them. I have many family pictures with that tree… its branches, the strong, wide trunk, or simply the shade it provided to prevent overexposed snapshots. I took several off my deck during all of the seasons featuring one outreaching arm. Over the next few winter’s, that arm and much of the rest of that tree will warm a family in a nearby town.

I’ve got images.

“Think Different”

“Think Different” was in Apple ads at one time, and it also happens in the immediate aftermath of a Vegas trip that featured sleep deprivation and excess of just about everything else. Like now. I spend a lot of time on the inside of my head anyway, but the combination above has my cranial consommé altered. Maybe over-salted. I have no idea where I’m going with this post, but let’s start with some of the excess:

Information – Oh, you thought I was going right to gambling, hookers and blow? Maybe I’ll get to those later… The conference I attended, and it really doesn’t matter which one, had mostly crappy presentations, at least those that I picked. Still, while panning the hundreds of slides presenters throw into your gaze, there are occasional ideas that spark. Get just one neuron firing about some stray bullet on a slide and before you know it, the mind is lit up with white tracers going in all directions like a darkened beach firefight.

Stimulus – Casinos are designed to be a jungle-like maze of money sucking Venus Flytraps surrounded by a constant barrage of distracting stimuli. Oh, they pump oxygen into the atmosphere to keep you awake, but then bombard your senses with dollar signs, lights, spinning wheels, bells, whistles, music and half-naked waitresses, all designed to help you not notice the money flying out of your pockets. Still, the brain has to process all that stuff, so I theorize that productive thought, crowded out by the noise, springs anew in uncharted dark corners of the grey guy.

Alcohol – Conference drink tickets, complimentary cocktails while gambling, great wine lists and some people’s need to buy their buddies shots contribute to a near 24/7 slow drip (well, not the shots). It’s crazy, but alcohol alters the senses and makes you think different. No, not as well as acid the way Steve Jobs describes it in his new biography, but like that… Just a little. Oh, and the “Up All Night” frozen blend of an energy drink and vodka nearly worked as advertised!

Ego – Vegas is the bar scene from “Star Wars” whether you’re in a bar or not. The endless parade of chaos spawned from the human genome is truly awesome, but some of those genetic accidents just take themselves way too seriously. Like me writing this blog thinking people would be interested in reading it, only way more. One guy came out for his presentation looking like he had just been in hair and makeup for an hour. Another, looking like Sylvester Stallone after all the plastic surgery, spent 45 minutes telling us how he started out just like us commoners, but now is Chairman of a multi-billion dollar corporation. Then he said we should do it too…

Food – There’s plenty of overpriced, crappy food in Sin City, but there is also some of the best and most creative food this world has to offer, and SushiSamba offers the latter. Their dueling cuisines of Japanese and Brazilian is delicious and fun, with or without drinks (and the ridicule one receives from drinking them) containing “muddled fruit.” The Pallazzo hotel gem offers a world crossing array of colorful dishes and taste bud blowing textures and flavors. It inspires me to be more creative in cooking.

Conversation – I failed in my goal to more effectively network at the event. I chatted with a woman at breakfast one morning, but otherwise gravitated to co-workers (and friends) who work in other cities and others that work close by every day. The words flowed and many topics, both personal and professional, explored. Laughter was in excess. And smiles. The conversation excess leaves me invigorated and with stronger relationships that benefit my life in and beyond business.

Yeah, all of that stuff gets me thinking different. As I retraced Sunday’s steps to check out, my rebooted brain processed the thoughts of my life like one of those fast motion movie montages portraying a near death experience. Family. Work. Life. Love. Pros. Cons. Options. Plans. That broken stairmaster… They all flew through the new processor with a slightly different, and hopefully improved perspective.

Oh, and the gambling, hookers and blow? There was none of that for me, but five of my co-workers pooled cash for slots and won $5,000 at about 3AM! They must be thinking different today.

That’s how old I am according to grand-daughter, Maddy. I’m glad. Yesterday she turned “fowa” and I knew I’d miss her being “fwee,” so my new number works just fine. It is just a number. I am not old. I don’t feel old and I don’t think old. My children and grandchildren keep me young and the wonderful people I work with every day keep me vibrant.

Early Saturday morning I woke after sensing the empty space next to me. I sleep like the dead in the “Happy Hollow,” but her absence is a void that wakes me from the deepest REM slumber. I staggered out into the open kitchen/living room and saw her silhouette against the darkness in a yoga-like pose, her hands stretched and reaching for relief above her head. The stress of work and family and life and a weaving class had crept up her taut neck to the top of her head and planted it’s piercing flag in the form of a migraine. “Go back to bed. There’s nothing you can do.” Silly girl. I wasn’t going anywhere with her hurting. There was nothing I could do but be there. I soon discovered it was 5:00 AM, so I sat in the dark and watched and listened whenever she tried to talk out the source of her pain. By 6:00, her nausea had eased and she laid down in an effort to sleep. I was up for the day and made coffee. She slept until 9:30 and woke pain free. My day was complete and it had just started. That’s the love I have in my life.

At fifty-fwee.

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